Disenchanted. Disconnected. Disappointed. All familiar, all oppressive. None of these feelings are from God, but I feel them. I am frustrated, sad beyond belief. Why do we hurt each other? Why do we let each other down? Because we’re “just human?” Because not one of us is perfect, has it all together, or, oh, here’s the best one I’ve heard yet – because we’re “not God?!”
So I am scrubbing my house today, cleaning, purging, freshening – getting the smell and filth out. Getting out all the dirt, the things that crowd, and the overwhelming sense that I don’t have control over my surroundings. Here I go again, this is my life today.
I know who I am in Christ, but who am I to my long-lost family? Just a faint memory? A reality that is fuzzy now with the passing years and enveloping time? Do they remember how I cared for them? How I gave of myself, my heart, my emotions to love them the best I could? It feels so empty not to have a mother, a father. Someone to encourage me in my life as I know it now. Someone to chew me out when I need it, to shower me with affection, approval, affirmation. Empty. The house is so empty as I clean.
I am not ungrateful for my blessings. I am not unaware of who God has given me to nourish me, love me, accept me, edify me. They ARE my mothers, my fathers, brothers and sisters. I cling to them in soul, I feed off their joy. I need the body of Christ!
As the years continue to pass so quickly, as time grows still, I will grow too. The sun doesn’t always shine, but it’s always there, behind the storm clouds! I will continue to surrender to You, God. To your way, your will, your desires for me. You do rule and reign in my life, and my fruit is sweet. Peace, once again, peace comes over me as I clean. The emptiness is swallowed up in your peace and joy and everlasting love. Full. The house is full as I clean.
